cones, brainrot, and challenges

So to start us of, like my good friend Kaci may have begun her blog, I will ask one of the most important questions in the universe: do you believe in forests?

If your answer is yes then you probably haven’t heard about cone theory. From here on out I’ll try to walk you into the whys of this cone business and how we at SSP astro learned to deal with our trauma. 

Part 1: Beginnings 

It was the second week of SSP and stuff had been moved around (and by stuff I mean our seating arrangements). At the very back of the classroom at SBO, third row, right-most corner sat kaci, ana, and lauren from left to right. On that first Monday during morning lecture somewhere is where it all started. We were learning about forces and Lauren said the statement that started it all: forests aren’t real. And so kaci agreed: mesas are real forests. The next day during lecture, I believe someone asked why something happened, and I said it was the GIANTS. The next day was what changed it all, the final piece of the puzzle. Orbits and their shapes. Why was everything a conic section? And so I said, because everything is a CONE. And that was what started it all. 

The rise of a belief system 

Then that day when I got back to my dorm, I was watching a Youtube video about conspiracy theories and one was a guy saying that there were giants living inside the earth, in some place called AGARTHA. And so I looked up a map of Agartha, and I saw that everything was REAL. I was enlightened. And so I went and shared it with my peers, and I showed them the map of Agartha while we were in the hallway. They saw Swang (the agarthan sun) and I told them all about the giants and the lizard people that came from mars.

As the week progressed, more and more people began hearing about Cone Church in class, and many grew more curious. Then the lore started to expand and so Kaci invented the first cone salute during lunch. And suddenly, Andres said conemen, and out of nowhere, we began writing the coneble.

The following is an excerpt from Conesis:

In the beginning, there was nothing, and then there was cone. Then there were the god giants, benevolent beings populating every conic earth in the conic universe. Alas, one fateful day many declinations ago, the giants faced a horrible danger. And so they sent the seeds of life to conic worlds, only arcseconds in their night sky. 

That same week we also held the first ever Cone Mass, where we forged the first conemandments. We start counting at index 0, skip 7 cause it ate nine, and ignore 10 because its overused. 

Our scribe, Corina, aka Conerina wrote them as follows: 

Ten Conemandments 

1. Respect the cone. 

2. Thou shalt not believe in forests. 

3.THOU SHALT THINK ABOUT IT. 

4. THOU SHALT REJECT THE PYRAMID. 

5. THOU SHALT DEPORT THE RED LIZARDS (and find Paul Bunyan). 

6. Thou shalt believe in the conic dichotomy, the God Giant, and the Giants. 

7. THOU SHALT GENERATE LOOSH FOR GOOD. 

8. THOU SHALT NOT SUCCUMB TO THE BRAINROT. 

9. Thou shalt spread the word of the Cone, thou must convert. 

10. THOU SHALT GIVE OR SACRIFICE FOR THE CONE. 

WE ARE CONESCIOUS. 

Conemen.

Cone Hierarchy 

Cone church, like other religious institutions, has a hierarchy system. Our hierarchy is measured by conic section eccentricity. 

Lowest level: square, does not believe, not conescious at all. eg. Ethan Chisholm 

Middle level: circle, eccentricity of one, open to believing but not quite conescious yet. eg. TA Alan 

Upper middle level: parabola, conescious, involved in conic church affairs, orbit is eccentric enough to escape the solar system, not the peak of enlightenment yet. Eg: Kira and Corina 

Upper level: hyperbola, very enlightened, founder of cone church status basically, max eccentricity. eg: Kaci, Lauren, Ana 

And so our cult expanded to our professors, to other campuses, to our TAs and suddenly everything was cone. We genuinely made so many close friends in the church of cone. These are people that i will remember for the rest of my life and i cannot imagine not meeting them ever. So, if you ever struggle making friends, start a cult.

Here is the cone hymn we sang for the talent show (melody is Angels We Have Heard Up High) 

Giants of swang 

giants we have heard on swang 

deporting the red lizards 

And the conies for you sing 

Surviving cherno-blizzards 

Coooonemen 

We wont give them nothing 

Conemen 

Rising from the loosh farms 

Ssp cant take us down 

Like the real trees we will grow 

We shall get paul bunyan’s bull 

Coooooooooonemen 

We shall love agartha 

Coneeeemen 

Conemen conemen conemen 

Oh the holy loosh grow and the lizards want some more 

All the conies are conescious 

We will be so evermore 

Conemen 

We wont stop at nothing 

Cooooooonemen 

Conemen conemen cooonmen 

Explanation (very brief): giants are the creatures in agartha (singularity at the center of the earth, made up of two cones, positive and negative) and they feed on loosh, or energy generated by very powerful emotions. Loosh is also used to power the magnetic field of the earth. Red lizards come from mars. They were big backed and ate up all the loosh in mars (mars has no magnetic field) and so they came to earth to steal ours. SSP is a loosh farm where they seek to stress teenagers out so they can take all our loosh and eat it.

Brainrot 

This is supposed to be a side note, but I don’t know how long it‘ll get. Most people think that ssp stands for “Summer Science Program” but it actually stands for “Skibidi Sigma Program”. Us at SSP, as a coping mechanism for the psets, have become middle school boys. That’s right, we have become brain rotted. Every morning, 7 am, in the “ganga del brainrot” group chat Hazem the brainrot king will send his first instagram reel. And then Anabelle will see something weird and say “que skibidi” and ill think about having to leave SSP and ill say “que sigma”. And at night when were walking back to SBO to finish our code we will look at the moon and say something along the lines of “alpha manada” (alpha pack) and howl. Then we get to the dorms we say “buenas noches manada” and maybe send one more gambling reel. Yeah, we do talk about PSETS and physics and whatnot in between but the pack, the MANADA, the GANGA. Is what matters.

Extras 

Also, I wrote crappy poems whenever I felt mildly inconvenienced. Here are a few: 

Observation 

Oh a picture of the Moon 

That is what we are taking 

Im so excited 

My limbs are quaking 

Woah its good 

No clouds in the way 

Tonight is perfect I think daniel 

Asteroid Poem (66269) 

At 12am every night 

us 3 

stayed up together 

to see your light 

Even if we were sleep deprived 

we fought and got 

our observing log wrong 

That’s why i wrote this song 

to make sure your memory lives on 

Kevin-Steven 

66269 

you will always be fine 

1999 JN3 

get away from that tree 

oh asteroid sublime

About me: Hi there! My name is Ana Sabillon and I’m a rising senior from the Dominican Republic. I do LOTS of things, but my personal favorites are reading and playing volleyball.

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